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"Not I" says the fly, but they don't know that over there.

Without getting into the specifics of when I’m going — for fear of looting of mi casa or being captured by radicals — I’m divulging my itinerary for the trip.

Flying Virgin-Atlantic from Newark Liberty to London Heathrow Airport – overnight flight.

Why Virgin-Atlantic? Same price as anything else on Kayak but with better commercial appeal. And, well, I run a company called REDNAXELA web design, so I’m partial to the iconic red unis. And Bill Hader’s fabulous take on basically everything — including one Dick Branson.

Upon landing in the morning in merry ‘ol, I’ll have to grab my bags and then exit the monstrosity that is Terminal 3… and travel to Dallas Cowboys Stadium (Terminal 5) — aka, 353,200 square meters. And for all you that think the metric system should fuck right off (like it should), that’s 1,158,792 square feet. And that’s just the fuckin’ terminal. I still have to get to the damn thing first. From another postal code entirely!

The better have petrol cars… or I’ll be an ugly American. I’ve walked the Heathrow terminals before. With the London 2012 preparations, they are even more clusterfucked than usual.

So, after my London Heathrow Airport 10K, I’ll be on a British Airways flight from London to Prague, Czech Republic. Presumably, since I’m flying out of an airport not named Philadelphia International, I’ll be ok, but the transfer might be a tight window — I’ll have about 3 hours to kill in the terminal (provided I take off and land at designated times). I’ll be back though, since I’ve been to London twice, and still haven’t seen anything other than Highbury Stadium (now an apartment building) and Paddington and Waterloo Stations.

Oh, I take that back — I’ve seen a game at Wembley and a show on the West End… but Parliament, Tower Bridge or any of her majesty’s soiled laundry? Only on the telly and in the cab ride of Al-Jazeera death. Yeah, he clearly wasn’t British.

Ah, mi scusi!

I’ll be three nights in Prague — at this bitchin’ place.

Train to Budapest, Hungary

Five nights in Budapest — at this bitchin’ place.

Train to Brno, Czech Republic

Three nights in Brno — at this, well it’s Brno after all, kinda bitchin’ place.

Train to Krakow, Poland

Three nights in Krakow — at a hostel (but I won’t die — Eli Roth is in Los Angeles then). Plus this is one of the best hostels in Europe. Axe murdering is not on the menu. Sex might be though.

During my Krakow excursion, I will be traveling to Oswiecim (which is known by another more infamous name). I am not of German or Jewish decent, but I want to see it. It is supposedly life-altering and, well, not to marginalize the atrocities that took place there, but Schindler’s List is my favorite movie of all-time. I would be mad at myself to travel all that distance and not see Auschwitz-Birkenau. Hands down it will be the most emotional part of my journey. And I will report back with a blog posting that will be as poignant and somber as the symbol of Auschwitz is. There are only so many few places on Earth where true history was made. Sadly, Auschwitz is one of them.

How I imagine pretty much exactly how the hostel situation will be.

Flight to Kiev, Ukraine

Three nights in Kiev — at yet another hostel. Kiev was just too expensive (for seemingly no reason) to shelve out a lot of money on a hotel that I’d consider an old and tired gaudy piece of trash in the United States. So I went cheap here — so I could go big in other places. And, truthfully, this hostel looks better than every one of the hotels not named Intercontinental (for $400/night). So for $50/night, I think I did well here.

Flight to Riga, Latvia

Three nights in Riga — at this totally bitchin’ I’m-officially-in-love-with hotel. I’m a brat, I need boutique hotels and thread counts. And when I saw this option (along with the apartment in Prague), I splurged a bit. Everything about it is hearts-with-my-hands love. Location, style, everything. I’ll be enjoying the hell out of this hotel… believe it.

A good cry for leaving Riga

Bus to Tallinn, Estonia (this will probably be a motley crue blog update when the time comes — sure to see some sites)

Three nights in Tallinn — at a basic 3-star hotel. I’m told that Tallinn is a basic kind of place but that the stuff to do there is insane. Therefore, I don’t expect to be in the hotel much. I think I’ll be hitting the nightlife with all of my energy. The hotel will just be holding my suitcase for three nights.

Boat to Stockholm (overnight) — gotta test the sea legs… and apparently, the sights are incredible. Blonde, blue eyes, as far as the eye can see. Oh and water too. But I can see water in my backyard.

Four nights in Stockholm — at another hostel — but it is Sweden… if I know Sweden like I think I do. I won’t even be at the hostel. I’ll be at the bikini team’s hideaway… or Victoria Silvstedt’s cousin’s apartment.

Flight to London town

Two nights (possibly longer if I can find a good deal) at TBD. I may do Anfield during this time also — for the bucket list. I’m giving London another chance… this time — I’m going to either love it or shun it forever.

Flight to Newark on Virgin-Atlantic

Sleep for the next week.

Wanna help me out on my journey? Send some money over to me.

And finally, a musical interlude (because it’s only fitting).


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