Today in Unfortunate Names for a Bar

It really didn’t get a rise out of me.

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I Now Know How Swedes Roll

Are you Swedish? Yes, how'd you know?

Alright, so here’s my story from less than 24 hours of being in the confines of Sweden. I’ve basically already figured the whole place out and I’ve seen virtually nothing so far. Truth is that I couldn’t find an exchange place anywhere near where the ships dock to let you off, so I hoofed it through the city (a solid 4 miles or more) carrying my computer bag and rolling my big, but not as motherfucking as it was at the start, bag. It’s about 42 pounds now, not 49.7.

Anyway, I see a lot of the city as I trek across, and I notice something immediately. It’s super safe. Like possibly the safest city in the world safe. I look like an obvious tourist, and people are friendly and point me in the right direction. Including the group of six teenagers that look like they’d be down for a row.

So, I finally get through to my hostel. This is where I learn two more things about Sweden. The two most important things about Sweden.

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Your Own Single Guy Guide: Tallinn, Estonia

Disclaimer: This will be a feature that will continue throughout the length of my stays in places. Since literally every place as a walking tour/tourist guide, I am morphing that idea into things about the city that you really want to see. I figure that since I’m a pretty good gauge on what people are into and whatnot, this would be a good way to do an unbiased infomercial on a city that perhaps you haven’t seen and would like to know about. I will not pull punches, if I liked a place — I’ll sing its praises. If I hated, I’ll tear it the biggest asshole on the planet. Because I know assholes: I am one.

Take these as you will because I’m speaking only from my perspective. And remember: opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and only mine matters.

Tallinn, Estonia

One-word definition: Talented Continue reading

The Bucket List (An Open Thread)

Hi kids, I'm Bucky, wanna see my tap?

The following idea is an open-ended thread based on your suggestions on what I should do when I’m in Europe. I kinda blatantly ripped this idea from 1000 Places to See Before you Die… but it has the old Alex twist to it. You see, I think castles are stupid, old hotels are gay and that history smells like embalming fluid.

So, rather than do half of the shit in the book that lady writes about, I’ll be doing fun/funny stuff. Because you are only young once, and 31 isn’t even young. I know 31 year olds that have 5 kids already, and no hope of an actual life. My condolences. Should’ve listened in 10th grade health class.

I am requesting that you participate and provide me funny/interesting/vile/hilarious/ridiculous/complete-waste-of-time things to do. I’ll be traveling to London, Prague, Budapest, Brno, Krakow, Kiev, Riga, Tallinn and Stockholm. My Dad always said that seeing the world makes you understand more and matter less. That’s pretty deep shit. Which I plan to get into.

Without further adieu, here’s my bucket list thus far (and keep the suggestions coming).

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Fuck It List (Gaping Open Thread)

Teamwork!

I did ask many of you to provide me ideas of things to do while in Europe, but I also asked about people to do also. Here are the results of who people I should seek out and/or bang while there. A sort of scavenger hunt, if you will.

You guys have been amazing with some of these suggestions. And, as promised, this thread shall remain open as long as people continue to send me gold. You have a legacy to uphold.

Behold… the fuck it list… [Obviously, I’m not going to get to all of these… unless it really is the best trip ever.]

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Shameless Plug: Nimesta Baari Uudised and Shooters

Suur Karja Tallinn 10140

Occasionally I’ll be enamored with a bar so much that I’ll plug it, shamelessly.

For instance, the dynamic duo of Nimeta Bar and Shooters: An absolutely pivotal stop for any foreigner looking for good food, good sights and Premier League.

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After Midnight, Tallink Lets It All Hang Out (For Free)

The cruise is awful… but the porn flows at midnight — for free… from midnight to 6 am. But that is seven hours, folks, because it’s local time: starting on Tallinn time and then losing an hour for the time difference. So it’s like a free extra hour of free porn!

So when I inevitably wake up at 2 am, 4 am, and 6 am because of the rocking of the waves, I can see some additional pounding to make me go back to sleep. Free porn on a ship? That has to be awful old school porn.

 

Old Man 1, Tommy Hatton 0

You know those moments when things that you want to happen but can’t imagine happening only to see exactly what you’d wish would happen, happen?

Enter Sokos Hotel Viru, Tallinn, Estonia.

I just witnessed one of the greatest things ever in the lobby. There was this drunk Irish asshole that you could literally hear from across the lobby, having “a chat” with his mates. And by chat I mean I could hear him from across the street probably. He was loud and belligerent and pissed drunk at 12:30 pm. On a Sunday. His mates were tattooed out the ass with all sorts of things that would probably keep them from holding down steady employment. And this guy, in his little bowler hat, conjured up images of Brad Pitt in Snatch. Only he looked like Tommy Hatton, the boxer.

And, in another lifetime, I think he thought he was Tommy Hatton. In addition to being absurdly loud, he also had a problem with sparring with his mates inside the hotel. When security approached, he stopped, then called the guys FACKIN’ PIGS, and basically showed like he was up for a throwdown. His mates settled him, and the security guys eventually backed off, as he had seemed to calm down.

But one thing drunk Irish guys don’t do is calm down. Continue reading

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Your Own Single Guy Guide: Riga, Latvia

Disclaimer: This will be a feature that will continue throughout the length of my stays in places. Since literally every place as a walking tour/tourist guide, I am morphing that idea into things about the city that you really want to see. I figure that since I’m a pretty good gauge on what people are into and whatnot, this would be a good way to do an unbiased infomercial on a city that perhaps you haven’t seen and would like to know about. I will not pull punches, if I liked a place — I’ll sing its praises. If I hated, I’ll tear it the biggest asshole on the planet. Because I know assholes: I am one.

Take these as you will because I’m speaking only from my perspective. And remember: opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and only mine matters.

Riga, Latvia

One-word definition: Gifted

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Excuse me, yeah, hi, I’m with the band

So I have been slacking and haven’t been updating the world of my travels like I should… but there is good reason — Tallinn’s nightlife.

Truth is, it makes Vegas look like a fucking bike ride. I have never seen more people in a little town party harder, longer and stronger than anywhere else. Until I came to Tallinn.

Bars close “early” at 2 am — then you go to another bar that closes at 4 am then another one that closes at 6 am. It’s like a treasure hunt of liver poisoning.

Regardless, I’ll tell you all about the Tallinn nightlife in a separate posting… because, well, it deserves it.

This post, however, will be about my Almost Famous moment.

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