Disclaimer: This will be a feature that will continue throughout the length of my stays in places. Since literally every place as a walking tour/tourist guide, I am morphing that idea into things about the city that you really want to see. I figure that since I’m a pretty good gauge on what people are into and whatnot, this would be a good way to do an unbiased infomercial on a city that perhaps you haven’t seen and would like to know about. I will not pull punches, if I liked a place — I’ll sing its praises. If I hated, I’ll tear it the biggest asshole on the planet. Because I know assholes: I am one.
Take these as you will because I’m speaking only from my perspective. And remember: opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and only mine matters.
One-word definition: TalentedCleanliness of the city: Pristine
Quality of Girls: 10 out of 10 — I refer to my take on Riga, Latvia to score the “tallint” in Tallinn: Alright, I thought that Ukraine was the epitome of stunning and then I came to Riga back-to-back. And from what I’ve been told, going from Riga to Tallinn is more of the same. In every way Latvian girls stack up to Ukrainian girls. And apparently in every way Estonian girls stack up to Latvian girls.
It’s like the three pendants of worth that you have to get before you can wield the Master Sword in the Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (the greatest game, um, ever? Yeah, ever). Kiev, Riga and Tallinn. Back-to-back-to-back 3-peat. It’s like the Triforce of Erection.
Yes, what I’ve heard is 100% accurate. The Baltics are insane.
Likeliness of Hooking Up: 8 out of 10 — Believe it or not, the likelihood of getting laid in Tallinn is harder than it is in Riga. It takes way more of an effort and you have to portray that you are here for longer than just a “British stag” weekend. I would definitely put it high on the list of potential but you need to be in Old Town and you need to have your own apartment. It is as simple as that. If you have those things, the rest is pretty much a fine dance with the mattress.
Language Barrier Level: 5 out of 10 — Tallinn is a bit hard to pip. Menus are primarily in Finnish and English, so that is a plus. Girls speak English, Finnish or Russian, so that is a plus. But there are still barriers. It wasn’t as easy to communicate as it was in Riga but it can be done. So, 50/50.
Receptiveness of Foreigners: 10 out of 10 — Tallinn is like the meeting place of the Baltic so it is a town based on foreigners. Every day there are ships coming in from Finland and Sweden. Every day there are people traveling from St. Petersburg, Russia. Every day there are jetsetters in and out and all about. So Tallin, for as small as it is, is kind of like the International terminal at an airport. Chances are pretty good that you’ll have all walks of life.
Cost-effectiveness: 9 out of 10 — It was like being back in Kiev again. The 5 euro deal for 5 shots at Shooters is the best thing around. If I wasn’t American, it’d be an even better deal.
Safety and security: 9 out of 10 — Completely safe. It was a place that I could walk around and not be worried about anything. Navigating was a bit treacherous at the start but it is so small that once you get the hang of the layout, you are golden.
How the Girls Are: 10 out of 10 — I only met a few but they were good enough to categorize the entire town. Very down to Earth and fun.
Best Chances of Meeting Girls: Nimesta and Shooters. Enough said.
Accommodations: 7.5 out of 10 — The hotel was nice, in a very central location just on the outskirts of Old Town. However, the room was the smallest that I have been in that wasn’t a hostel. And being on the 20th floor of a 22-floor complex was a pain in the ass, to be honest.
Beer: 8 out of 10 — I had two styles, the Saku Porter and something called A. LeCoq. The porter was heavy and felt like a meal, which was good, while the LeCoq was lighter and went down smooth. Both were solid beers but not anything that would make you want to Duty Free shop and ship it back home.
Getting Your ‘Merica, Fuck Yeah! On –Watching Premier League football with the lads at Nimesta bar made me feel like home. You can also watch NFL games there. However, I wasn’t there on a Sunday. Nimesta opts for football on Saturdays, but the real kind — not American college football.
Pros — The women. Nimesta and Shooters.
Cons — I hate to keep coming back to it, but smoking sucks.
My Tallinn Experience
The nightlife is absolutely legendary, and for good reason. Tallinn is an old medieval town and it has great sites and history. But people come here for the nightlife, and it does itself proud. I actually had the most fun that I have had at any bar while on this trip.
I made a pitch for Riga on the single guy tip. However, Tallinn is right up there with it. I would, however, recommend that Tallinn be visited as a member of group. And open for the ladies as well. This is a fun town that you can just drink yourself to death in. It parties hard. And when I say hard I mean harder than you would ever imagine a little town could.