Your Own Single Guy Guide: Tallink Silja Cruise Line

Disclaimer: This will be a feature that will continue throughout the length of my stays in places. Since literally every place as a walking tour/tourist guide, I am morphing that idea into things about the city that you really want to see. I figure that since I’m a pretty good gauge on what people are into and whatnot, this would be a good way to do an unbiased infomercial on a city that perhaps you haven’t seen and would like to know about. I will not pull punches, if I liked a place — I’ll sing its praises. If I hated, I’ll tear it the biggest asshole on the planet. Because I know assholes: I am one.

Take these as you will because I’m speaking only from my perspective. And remember: opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and only mine matters.

Tallink Silja Cruise Line from Tallinn to Stockholm

One-word definition: Piss

Cleanliness of the city: N/A

Quality of Girls: 1 out of 10 — I saw exactly one girl on the whole boat that I actually gave a double take to. The rest were old people, fat people, male people and just routinely awful people. It was a sad existence.

Likeliness of Hooking Up:  0 out of 10 — My thoughts are this: until proven otherwise by categorical and photographic evidence, hooking up on cruises is disgusting. And if you enjoy in this practice, you are a loser and a disgusting human being. And you obviously like BBWs. It was terrible. The one girl that received a second look was about 16 years old and she only got a second look because she actually looked like she wasn’t a cruise veteran. It is a 10 out of 10 if you are into quantity. Not my thing though, sorry. Quality is my thing, and quantity is just a nice way of saying fat.

Language Barrier Level: 10 out of 10 — The staff girl that interacted with me at breakfast said that I didn’t pay for a drink the night before at a 26 Euro dinner that didn’t include drinks. She was mistaken because I clearly paid with a 5 Euro note (3 for the water and 2 for her tip). She came at me and, in broken English, accused me of not paying. I told her 20 times that “Although I did pay last night, I’ll go back to my room and get more Euro and pay again. After all it is 5 Euro and cruise people can’t make any money — plus I think it comes out of their pay if people dart on them without paying. So I tell her that I don’t have any money on me but I will get the money after breakfast and pay again. It’s 5 Euro for chrissake. She’s saying “No you didn’t pay.” I keep telling her, “It isn’t a problem, I’ll get you your money, even though this is a misunderstanding.” Nothing. Finally I ask her what her native language is. “I speak English [no, you don’t], Russian and Swedish.”

I finally ask a lady if she speaks Russian or Swedish. She does. And I ask her if she can tell this lady that I’ll get her the money AFTER breakfast. She finally does and I go about my breakfast. I look at the receipt — Table #40. I was sitting at #43. I go back to my room, get my 3 Euros for the water… along with the receipt and my ticket… and I go back to the lady and say, “I was at table #43 last night. I paid for my water, but I will pay you 3 Euro for whoever was at Table #40 and DIDN’T pay for theirs.”

Her response: “You say you pay 5 Euros, where’s other two (for my tip)?” I got them right here in my pocket, right next to ‘Fuck’ and ‘You’.

Receptiveness of Foreigners: N/A out of  10 — I wasn’t even bothering to find out.

Cost-effectiveness: 0 out of 10 — Hindsight being 20/20, it was a rip-off show. You can never retrieve the hours so that alone sucked, but you are in captivity like a zoo monkey, so they can get you for anything and everything. One would think that a 26 Euro buffet (which is basically 50 bucks to an American) would come with at least a fucking water. No.

It was garbage. For the cost of a flight and a hotel, I would have made out better — and been there more than half a day earlier. Cruises are shit.

Safety and security: 9 out of 10 — Yes they are safe. Not that it matters.

How the Girls Are: 0 out of 10 — I’m willing to bet that Mount Holyoke College has better options.

Best Chances of Meeting Girls: Miss the boarding call.

Accommodations: 0 out of 10 — My wingspan was as wide as the room, which had three beds. The showere was a curtain rod next to the toilet and the toilet and sink smelled like an airplane bathroom. It was like being in an old hospital. And I hate hospitals.

Beer: N/A out of 10 — I wouldn’t know. That was 8 Euros for a bottle.

Getting Your ‘Merica, Fuck Yeah! On — Well I saw a lot of fat people, so that felt homely. Also the free porn after midnight reminded me of the old days of Cinemax at like 2:30 am. It was on an old television so it looked like it needed a descrambler. So I reverted back to my childhood a bit. That’s all though.

Pros — Free porn for seven hours starting at midnight.

Cons — Everything else.

My Tallink Silja Experience

Left at 6 pm Estonian time and got into Stockholm around 11 am Stockholm time. Whatever that is in hours is the amount of hours of my life that I’ll never get back. For way less money, you can fly on Estonian Airlines ($67 via Kayak.com), get there in an hour and be done with it. The island pictures in the morning weren’t worth the time or shitty food or shitty entertainment. And I can offset any free porn with the Internet. It’s not difficult. The only thing that you do have to factor in — which makes the trip potentially more expensive is an extra night ho(s)tel. However, hindsight being 20/20… it is way better. Chalk that one up to something I’ll never do again. Sorry future offspring of mine, you aren’t going on the Disney cruise. Why? 1. Disney sucks, and 2. Cruises suck. Deal with it.

Recommendation

Do something else. Slit your wrists if you are that bored.

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