Old Man 1, Tommy Hatton 0

You know those moments when things that you want to happen but can’t imagine happening only to see exactly what you’d wish would happen, happen?

Enter Sokos Hotel Viru, Tallinn, Estonia.

I just witnessed one of the greatest things ever in the lobby. There was this drunk Irish asshole that you could literally hear from across the lobby, having “a chat” with his mates. And by chat I mean I could hear him from across the street probably. He was loud and belligerent and pissed drunk at 12:30 pm. On a Sunday. His mates were tattooed out the ass with all sorts of things that would probably keep them from holding down steady employment. And this guy, in his little bowler hat, conjured up images of Brad Pitt in Snatch. Only he looked like Tommy Hatton, the boxer.

And, in another lifetime, I think he thought he was Tommy Hatton. In addition to being absurdly loud, he also had a problem with sparring with his mates inside the hotel. When security approached, he stopped, then called the guys FACKIN’ PIGS, and basically showed like he was up for a throwdown. His mates settled him, and the security guys eventually backed off, as he had seemed to calm down.

But one thing drunk Irish guys don’t do is calm down. This guy was a gyppo — an Irish traveler. And anybody that has seen that show will tell you that Gyppos love to fight. And this guy was all about the scrap.

I'm actually mild-mannered... AH WELL FOOK YOU, LET'S FOOKIN GO THEN

Stereotyping — it seriously just saves a bunch of a fookin’ time.

Well anyway — the lads get the hint that the rest of the hotel thinks their friend is a drunk piece of shit so they head the parking lot with drunk-o in tow. He then singles like he needs to piss. In apparently the Irish way, which is to unzip your pants and yank on your sack screaming “Drain it! Drain it!”

So back in he comes with his friend with the snake tattoo up his neck and on his face. Class. And, believe it or not, Solid Snake was the docile one. So they hit up the pissah and about 10 minutes later come walking out. Seemingly after a pep talk, or just some performance anxiety at the loo.

If you want to go fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.

Hatton then starts acting out again. Before he makes to the revolving door (that he naturally punches because that is what you do to revolving doors) he engages his friend in a bit of friendly jabbing that uncivilized cavemen do.

It spills out onto the street and the lads are having a fun little scrap in the ways that dogs play. But Hatton isn’t satisfied with just scrapping with his mates. No, he wants to make a scene — by trying to intimidate those around him.

I don’t know if he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was so out of sorts… or if he was just a genuine asshole. But rest assured, I know he remembered what happened next.

As he’s scrapping with his mates, he goes over and gives a body blow love tap to an older man — going to say he was in his 50s or 60s. Probably 60s. And it one swift move, Old Man River unleashed a harrowing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Outuppercut that flat out dropped Hatton in a pool of piss and Guinness. I have never seen somebody lower the boom like this dude did. Boom-shakalaka.

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