Fisher-Price®’s My First Hater™

Oh Denis from Russia… thank you for your inquiry today. It was very eloquent.

You see, our dear Denis — who’s name conspicuously rhymes with Penis — read one of my posts and I guess it got under his babushka a bit. It needs to be noted that the post he read/responded to was the shortest post I had written, but it was something that really got his knickers in a twist. But not before reading it 11 times. Here is his praise for me and my adventures:

Вот ты пидор! На хуй ты ей впал? Какого хуя ты знаешь об Украине, если ты дрочил дома напостой? Мудило американское!

Thankfully Google Translate helped me decipher what he was attempting to say.

“Here you fag! Dick on her you fell? What do you know dick about the Ukraine,  masturbate at home napostoy? Mudilo U.S.!”

So let’s do a breakdown…

1. I believe he thinks my initials are FAG. He’s mistaken. They are AMS. And he has obviously not read any other posts on this website.

2. I believe he thinks I fell on Daryna with my dick. Albeit an impressive feat in itself, because she’s 4’3″ so that would take a world-record sized cock, it did not happen. It would also directly refute me being the fag that he says I am in the first sentence… so I’m thinking he misspoke there.

3. I believe he is referring to me as a dick in this sentence and insinuates that I masturbate at home. I’m not sure what napostoy means. Anybody? However I do know that he’s clearly not Ukrainian because everybody knows that people in Ukraine fucking hate when you say “the Ukraine” like it is still just a section of Russia. It’s an independent country now. So this dick (me) knows more about Ukraine than Penis (he) does.

Also, yes, I masturbate. It happens preferably at home, usually before I take a shower on a day that I feel l masturbating. Because I’m a guy — and guys do that. So do girls.

4. Testicle U.S. — well, he is correct there — I have them.

So if you’d like to bombard Denis with fanboy mail — please drop him an email at since he was stupid enough to message me from his WordPress account (so that is his real email address). And add him to any spam lists that you know of. Also, his IP address is — so if you have computer hacking friends that can have some fun with that — have at it.

For some fun Russian things to say — be sure to use the following seven Russian words.

Like, Hey Denis… Yebat your mother right in her Pizda.

My first hater… aww, isn’t he just adorable! Too cute!

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