So today is going to be for the foodies out there.
Two suggestions: 1. Ukrainian (and, well, die happy) and 2. don’t read on an empty stomach (trust).
Because, let me just tell you the best thing I’ve had this entire trip, food wise, is the Ukrainian buffet that I had last night. And it was ridiculously inexpensive. To the point that I almost felt bad becoming an Ugly American until I just ate the whole fugging thing.
There are starving children somewhere where black people dwell. Fortunately, like Krakow, I couldn’t really find a black person to make me feel bad that I was stuffing my face while they are surrounded by flies.
Pierogies with meat, potato pierogies, chicken Kiev, meat rice, potato rice, vegetables, baked chicken, meat, salads, fruit salads, sauces, bosses, Kate Moss’… and I ate it all. Plus ice cream.
Fap, fap, fap.
For 70 Hryvnia (Grivna) — which is $8.47.
Fappy, fappy, fappy, FAP, FAP, FAP!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOM NOM NOMMMMM, I ❤ Ukraine. It’s like shopping at the Dollar Store and not being ashamed. It’s People of Walmart pricing but Le Bec Fin eating. I’m like a billionaire in former Soviet Russia.
I mean even the McDonald’s stuff is balls ass cheap. Before I found this amazing foodgasm of a place that I would frequent every fucking day of my life if I lived in Ukraine — because you walk off everything you eat anyway — I was at the mercy of McDonald’s just hoping for somebody to speak a viddle English. If not – you can always rely on point and pick at McDonald’s… but not anymore. I’d be at this place for lunch and dinner every day. It wasn’t all-you-can-eat but it might as well have been. It was like Old Country Buffet with actually good fucking food.
So I had a Ukrainian food coma. Then went back to the hostel and drank Ukraine beer. My belly asked me to marry it. I told it that I was still not ready to settle down just yet.
Sadly, I had a 6 am wake up call this morning and didn’t have the option to eat breakfast. I had to go to Riga, Latvia (where I’m at right now) and my flight was 9 am. Apparently I had the best taxi driver in the world though, because what took about 90 minutes door to door coming to the hostel, took 29 minutes this morning. He was a beast in his Hyundai Elantra. We were cruising.
But I had a conundrum, soon after finding the best kept secret in Kiev, I was off to another unknown city. And back to the if-all-else-fails-McDonald’s plan. Only, I have to tell you, I’ve been reborn. McDonald’s in Riga has the best fucking thing in the world — the McToast. I saw it and went all-in. Bought one sandwich to try it out. Two more sandwiches later, I had my lunch.
How on Earth is the McToast not in the United States? It is everything you could ever want in the perfect McDonald’s sandwich. It’s bun and cheese.
It is so simple yet so amazing. And in places like Malta and whatnot, you can get pork roll or ham with it. But in Latvia, it is just a grilled cheese sandwich.
And it changes the game completely. Hell, in the USA, I could buy like 10 of them and just add the various flavoring that I would want for that particular meal.
Bacon flavor, sausage, chicken, pork, hamburger, Heidi Klum… the possibilities are endless.
It was a second food coma that promptly led to me falling asleep on my hotel bed and only just waking up to tell the tale. Now it is 8:15 pm and I’ve butchered the internal wake-up clock once again. But it was so worth it that I don’t care. And based on the raw amazingness of what was put into my stomach, I’d imagine that I will not be moving any bowels anytime soon. I’ll keep you updated but I’m thinking Tuesday night at the earliest, Wednesday morning is a possibility but I think the smart money is on “not until Tallinn” which is the 13th.
Place your bets.
And in a related story, heated floors in the bathroom are worth whatever the hell they cost to put in. I lived 31 years without them, but now that I know exactly what their purpose is, I’ll be having them in my bathroom soon. If you don’t know, now you know.
[Working on the Kiev, Ukraine Single Guy Guide — no real crazy stories from Kiev but I have to tell you that the women are as advertised]
Soundtrack of the Moment (plus a Monty Python for the win):