The Definitive I’m-Going-To-Use-These-Hookup-Lines in the EU

As is Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...

So one of my friends messaged me on facebook and stated that he thinks I should use a shitload of creative pick-up lines on various girls in the European Union — not to mention the ex-pats and whatnots that have flocked there over the years.

I have to say, this might be the greatest idea ever. Because A. I’m quick-witted on my feet, B. Can deliver one-liners like it’s my job and C. think that traditional pick-up lines are the saddest excuse ever for a guy trying to pick up a girl. I’m proud to say that I’ve never used a pick-up line in my life. That is not to say that I haven’t dropped numerous alex-isms and hook-up gold to seal deals in the past.

So here we go. The definitive Hookup Lines that I’ll be using in Europe (with a soon to be rating scale on their effectiveness). As some of you will undoubtably notice, the openers are universal… but the twists are unique.

Do you have a map? [What for?] Well, I seem to keep getting lost in your heaving cleavage.

What’s your sign? Is it “Staying in bed and shouting ‘oh god’ doesn’t constitute going to church”?

Hi, I’m new in town and I am in need of some help with directions? [Okay.] Do you know how to put on extra large condoms?

Do your feet hurt? Because I’d like to make out with your mouth.

Do you believe in love in first sight? How about pity fuck?

Most people would agree that society these days has lost a bit of it’s civility. It’s a shame. You have excellent posture.

Is that a mirror in your pants? Because, I’ll let you be on top.

What are your cooking skills like because I’m not a big fan of eating out. [That’s the anti-pick up line… tried and true]

Are you from Tennessee? Because your hips look really flexible.

I have knee pads in my suitcase. [Why?] Service with a smile.

Be unique and different, say “I want your purple-headed warrior thrusting in my quivering mound of love pudding.”

Your eyes are blue. Like the ocean. And baby, I have a six inch tongue and can breathe through my ears.

I can sense that you are a terrific lover. [How do you know that?] The same way that I know you can’t really handle your Rohypnol. {because rape lines are funny}

Can we pretend that airplanes. In the night sky. Are like shooting stars? U could really use some dick right now

Do you have a boyfriend? [No.] Prove that you aren’t a lesbian then.

Do you have a boyfriend? [Yes.] Do you think he’d recognize if you were walking bowlegged?

On your mark… get set… let-me-rub-some-titties.

If I could change the alphabet, I’d put U in reverse cowgirl wearing a party hat.

The word of the day is ‘legs’… let’s go back to your place and play Scrabble.

Peter Piper picked a pack of… suck my dick.

If I could change the alphabet, I’d put your DD’s in my mouth.

The word of the day is ‘sexmypeniswithyourface’. Sound it out, relax your throat… good, I’m Alex.

Eeny, meeny, miny, blow. Me. (or just blowme)

I Come Quite a Mouthful… joyful and triumphant! (sung in the O Come All Ye Faithful way)

I’m invisible. [Not true, I can see you.] Do I still have an 9 inch cock then? […] Well, come on. You’re going to have to tell me!

You know, you’re rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body. {it’s effective because no European will even know who the hell Ty Webb is… use it on a middle-aged American male and he’ll quote the whole 1980 classic… not so in Europe}

Sticks and stones may break my bones, I wanna jam my penis in you. [added after Jenna Marbles dropped this gem. Genius. Had to steal.]

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