Upgrade U

…I can do for you what Martin did for the people
Ran by the man but the women keep the tempo
It’s very seldom that your blessed to find your equal
Still play my part and let you take the lead role, believe me.

Thanks, B.

And by B. I don’t mean the diva-baby-mama-drama-on-the-vmas… I’m talking about Brenda. Brendy from American Express. Brenda the diva-hotels-on-the-european-tip-yays. U C, B helped me today. She saw my hustle, with my hustle she could keep me and was focused on my focus so she fed me.

An upgrade at my Brno locale and also an upgrade on my flight to London. You see, Hotels.com notified me that my hotel in Brno was overbooked. But I’m an American Expresser… the best motherfuckin’ card on the planet. You see, I have my own travel agent. Her name is Brenda. Brenda is 42 and she’s ruthless — in the nicest, Arkansas-ian way. She’ll rape you with kindness, assfuck you with charm and then, in the ballsiest way possible, somehow make you feel happy she did it. But she works for me — which is awesome… because she’s bending over the world on my behalf. Just the way it should be. Because I’m the fucking customer… and only I matter.

So I called up my Arkansas lover/ninja… and explained my plight. Brenda learned that I’ll be getting surgery upon my return for leg problems and also that this information is not the most comforting when I’m getting ready to travel soon.

I have a strong reason to believe that Brenda or Brenda's daughter -- a 20 year old at UArk right now -- is in this picture.

“Mr. Searle, please give me about 20 minutes to work on this for you. I have your number so if we get disconnected, I will call you at the house.”

[14 minute (interlude) elapse]

“Mr. Searle, are you still there?”


“Well Mr. Searle, there appears to be a problem with the Hotel Cyro that you are staying at. Apparently they overbooked that weekend and didn’t notify Hotels.com in time. Also, here’s another problem. The Hotel Cyro is only a 3-star hotel. And you are on vacation. So what I did was the following, I’ve made Hotel Cyro pay Hotels.com the difference for your hotel and now you are going to be staying at the Comsa Brno Palace.”

Say what?


“Yes, they are paying for your relocation. And because it was such an inconvenience to you, you’ll be in the largest suite they have. Because you are tall and need space.”

But Brenda, I haven’t even left the United States yet.

“Oh yes you have, you are currently in transit and do not have time to worry about these issues and they should be corrected immediately, and with consideration for your trauma. You like that? That works every time.”

Oh you are good. [So good! So good! So good!]

“So yes, you are all set there. But, Mr. Searle, I see that you are booked on a flight to London too, in coach, with points.”

Yes, that’s correct, Brenda.

My hero

“Well, that’s not going to happen. I can’t in my right mind have you travel in such discomfort for such a long time, especially with this pre-existing condition. I’ll be changing that right up for you. Yep, you’re in First Class now, thanks to your points.”

But Brenda, I don’t have enough po——-

“Must be a glitch in the system, because you are booked in first class. Curiously, it was the same as a coach ticket. Wow, how lucky, looks like I’ll have to report this one to the boss at a later date.”

But Brenda, I don’t ha———

“Yep, a glitch. And it just emailed you the confirmed ticket too. So I guess it’s official. Anything else I can help you with today, Mr. Searle.”

Oh my god, you aren’t kidding, thank you so much, Brenda. This is amazing.

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Mr. Searle. YOU BOOKED IT, remember?”

*Hearts in hands for Arkansas Brenda*

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