international foreplay [with the hopes of more play]

Alright, I confess: I’ve made an online dating profile.

Several, in fact. All basically saying the same thing. Only difference is in the title (provided they allow me to write the title).

And let me tell you why…

1. Flagging has become the new sport of kings. And I was always an excellent player at capture the flag. But apparently there is a rule against having your own flag — and I don’t think I’ve ever been with a dual citizen. So I have zero national flags. A few state flags, but zero national flags. This needs to change.

2. I am kind of at the mercy of locals in Europe to ensure that I have a good time. This has a lot of pros and a lot of cons (and based on all of the research I have done — there are a ton of cons in these areas). As in con-artists. So I went to the one place that everything is truth, nobody fabricates anything and people are real.


The AOL chat rooms.

It was like 1997 all over again. XoXoSizeQueen69oXoX greeted me. We chatted about the days of old, Gilmore Girls, Jersey Shore and my penis. She was “18”. She wanted to see my size… so I obliged. Since we’re going to have sex someday soon. She lives in Montana. I’ve never been there. I live in Pennsylvania. She thought it was a city. No mind, now I have motivation to send my dong to somebody that I’ve never met before and only talked to for 3 minutes.

Firstly, I went with Greg Oden’s penis — because it is jurassic looking. I think it’s the reason behind his knee problems (and fact that he’s 23 going on 65). Poor circulation ages you. Then I went for a spriter Santonio Holmes’ dong shot.  Both easily accessible online. She yearned for more but I had to get my fill. I requested to see her lady parts.

She had no pictures of her lady parts, but then she responded with the entire set of the Girl that doesn’t change her expression in any of her pictures. I thought this was a fair trade. This got me hot.

I continued to send more dong pictures. Then a puzzled response from her…

XoXoSizeQueen69oXoX: “Um… its small?”
GoPackGo4: “I’m just slingin’ it like a kid out there.”

Alright, so that didn’t really happen. I don’t even think that AOL chat rooms exist anymore. Do they? But I do know that there are a ton of dating sites because I get calls all the time from them (I used to sign up friends for — dating for mature singles over 70 years old — just to piss them off… they happily returned the favor). When you are 31 and not married, they somehow find you.

“Loose skin, old balls, gross.”

So steering clear of eHarmony and Match and the traditional we’ve-lost-all-hope-in-everything dating sites, I googled all of the free ones. Plentyoffish and a couple others popped up. Then I heard about Millionaire Match and a few other fun ones that could scare up some gold diggers. I made profiles on all of them. And went fishing/digging.

As it stands right now, I have 30 phone numbers, email addresses and other ways to contact people while I’m abroad. Various countries. The whole nine. The question is what to do with them. I almost feel bad because some of the people actually seem sincere but I want to use this to my advantage. So I’m going to set up some dates when I’m over there and see what these people are like. And at the clip I’m rolling (30 in 3 days)… I’ll have hundreds by the time I embark on this.

Side question: does anybody have connections at Durex or Trojan? I could probably get an advertising deal from the amount of dong-slingin’ that these ladies are insinuating. Plus free shower caps. Europe, based on dating sites, is very whore-y. And I’m sans HIV currently and would like to stay that way. I wrap it before I tap it. Oh wait, Lauren Alfonso (slave name Douglas)! You work for Pfizer… how about a little blue pill brigade? Viagra sponsoring the Eurotrip Blue Balls Bonanza. It’d be the best advertising budget your company has ever done. And for less than $10,000 it’d be like petty cash. I’d be the poster child for blue lightsabers. You’re very own Luke Skywalker. Have your people get in touch with my people.

I think it would make for a hilarious piece. Rating the ladies of each town. Because, judging by their reactions to my profile, and the eagerness to rock my world, you know that they are of the highest quality.

Headline/Tagline: Let’s Get Naked and See Who’s Stronger
Profession: Civil War Re-Enactor
Interests: big boobs, single moms, milfs, cougars, college chicks, sorority girls, widows, broken English, thinly veiled sexism, videography, nice lips, long tongues

I love you.

Income (Millionairematch only): Prefer Not to Say
About Me:
I’m not really into the whole dating thing, but if we had one-night stand every night for the next month or so, it’d almost be like having a relationship. So? Interested? Then you can go on your merry way, and I’d still have your contact info in case we wanted to boff later. Right?

If you’re looking for a full package… I have one. It’s quite bulky, but I consider it carry on.

Alright, for real… essentially I’m just your typical male with typical male interests. I decided to join this because I needed a way to circumvent the bar scene. I’m not one to go out and drink myself retarded and then try to scam on big chicks at last call because they are the coalition of the willing. This is probably why I look much younger than 99.9% of 30 year olds.

That being said — I have a standard… I like what I like and I go after what I like. So if you aren’t it, we could probably be friends… but the copious amounts of unbelievable sex and incredible foreplay will be left out of it. It’ll be the best three minutes of your life. Sorry, I like what I like. A rockin’ body is a good start. If that makes me an ass… well then deal with it… remember, I have a standard. And I like what I like. If I liked donuts and fast food, I’d be big too… doin’ big thangs. But I don’t and I’m not. Also, its great that you are a strong woman and all, or that you are funny, etc. — but I can’t have sex with a personality… and your college degree doesn’t have an orifice for me to insert my penis into. So that was a waste of time.

I’m also incredibly sarcastic…

Again, this is to circumvent the bar scene. I’m too busy making a living then having to go out and scam on the poor and unfortunate at some smoke-stained bar in the world. Everybody at the bar has a story… and they are always the same. Go to a cougar bar and every guy “just moved into town and heard that this place was cool” and every woman has “just gotten out of a rough patch/relationship”. Go to any other bar and it is just a bunch of people telling lies on top of lies. It’s just funny to listen to. And clubs aren’t much better — discotheques for you foreigners…

Why does every woman seemingly want a Southern Gentleman? Why is there no love for a Northern assholes? It’s disheartening. And I always chuckle about the ones that want “an honest man.” Women always want an honest man, until he’s actually honest.

I’m also totally saddened that there is no option for “eff buddy” in the “what i’m looking for” drop down menu… because, lets be honest — it’s plentyoffish… and that’s what this site is all about… so i feel like the owners are shooting themselves in the foot by not having that be an option.

Oh yeah, the important stuff for you, miss prospective “date” — i have a six-inch tongue and can breathe through my ears. Game, set, match.

So if you are interested… give me a shout. Who knows… maybe we can become Team Make-Up Sex. I’ll make shirts.

However, if you are a midget, an albino, an exceptionally large mass… are socially inept or think that the Lord of the Rings is real, please don’t contact me. Thanks.

What I’d do on a first date:
Show up… but if you look nothing like your picture… then i’ll pretend to be blind/mute and leave.

Yes, I know. BEST! PLENTYOFFISH.COM! PROFILE! EVER! I rule. Let’s hook up now.

Only in America can a Civil War Re-Enactor be a millionaire. The Internet. It’s fucking awesome.

I'm telling you now... the England vs. Germany (Viagra Alex vs. Annika Irmler) World Cup match would be must-see TV.

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One thought on “international foreplay [with the hopes of more play]

  1. nickypizzas says:

    AMAZING. I hope people really check out this site, hahaha.

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