RIP Oktoberfest 2011

Revelation 21:4 -- And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more breasts, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain... (*crying uncontrollably) *sniff... b( . )( . )bs

Consolidation: that’s the key.

But I’m an American… we believe, nationally, that bigger is better, unattainable is attainable, and delaying everything makes everything go away. Why do something now when you can put it off for 6 months? Passing the buck. It’s the American way.

But I’m also British… my parents are Britons and the blood that flows through my body is limey green. Or so legend says. The British part of me understands that in order to be successful — unless you are currently fucking Kate Middleton… or have gargantuan pay packets to knock balls around, get WAGs and bang the finest that Admiral Escorts has to offer (yes, it’s real — prostitution is a sport in the UK) whenever you want — you have to live within your means. And $30,000/yr. doesn’t mean that you can buy a house at half a million and have enough money to keep it, Countrywide Loans.

So that leaves me with a conundrum in my quest for the global domination of the Northern Europe, Southern Europe, Ukraine and Scandinavian provinces. Anybody knows that, just like in the World Cup, to be the best, you’ve got to come-out-of and/or tame Europe.

Which makes today’s announcement so very tough. Dirndls and Frauleins and biergartens will not be visited this year. Oktoberfest 2011’s dream is officially dead. The silver lining? I’ll be able to learn more German before unleashing it on unsuspecting German people — but I think it’ll be a sole trip to Germany rather than this sex tour-de-force up and down the lovely European landscapes.

The decision will ultimately make my trip 8 days shorter but sixpence none the poorer. Average TENT hostels, which I believe is Latin for “not in a fucking million years will I ever stay in one” are averaging $100/night. If this was Paternoville, maybe. But only if Penn State suddenly walked out onto Beaver Stadium with the 1994 offense and the 1999 defense. After all, Penn State girls put out for anything… they have to — they lack other redeeming qualities and talent that other schools have (hearts in hand for you brit-brit) in their TNA. And even then I doubt I’d do anything that is a blatant rip from these fucking dorks. I wouldn’t even do it for this reason. Which is a little genius. Yeah, 100 bucks to sleep on the ground. Fuck that shit. I didn’t rise to the top of the food chain to become a poor person. I’m white. White people don’t ever fucking do uncivilized shit like that. Unless Bob Marley got to them in high school/college. Then they don’t count as being white. White is a rite. Dirty hippie is hygiene issue. Dirty hipster? Well blame, Kid Cudi. Regular hotels? Well if they actually have vacancies, they are like $300+ a night. It’s like the US job market… the only things available are stuff that you can’t afford to be caught dead in. 40,000 jobs created. Burger King, have it your way.

It also means that I’ll be saving on food and travel expenses and rail cards and all that other shit. To make myself feel better though — I booked a sick apartment in Prague. It’s going to make it all the worthwhile. Sadly, looks like Kiev might mean that I have to go into a hostel. Yes, I’ve seen the movie (because of expenses). But if I do that means that Stockholm and London will be blowouts.

Regardless, and it pains me to say this, just like in the World Cup, England won be able to conquer Germany. But there’s always next year… remember 1966. Oh, yeah, and that whole WWI and WWII thing.

I believe this whole thing calls for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

…And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O LORD, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.” And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu… [At this point, the friar is urged by Brother Maynard to “skip a bit, brother”]… And the LORD spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.” Amen.


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