Hallo! Me and my family are looking for sex

USA! USA! USA!

I’m planning a trip to Europe. This will be the official blog.

Not going for a bit — but this will probably be the only way for you to stay in touch with me… as I am not bringing a phone… and facebook will only be used to remember the names of the Unified Team and descendants of the Bolshoi. After I bang them and promise to bring them to the United States to be married.

“Vhere you take me on honeymoon? Vashington? Ve go to Vest America, California, no?”

Sure, comrade. But for now, ve play donkey punch. You donkey. Go! As those who have seen my work before, I don’t necessarily hold back when I blog. So this trip will be no different. My trespasses, bowel passes, blonde asses, breast masses, hot Latvian chick with glasses, hashish grasses and time killing options while the twins are attending classes will be spelled out, in full detail, to you, the masses.

It’s going to be the best damn travel blog this side of anything else out there… I will entertain the piss out of you with my Alex colloquialisms, wit, assholery, jackassery and game for days.

Tell your friends about me — as I size up the many Svetlanas and Ludmilas, uncover the natural wonders of the world, delve into the side effects of goat’s milk, enjoy the company of Russian mail order brides, try to be caught by the KGB, initiate a fight with Ivan Drago and generally mock all that exists around me… all the while learning lessons in culture and possibly teaching them the wonders of modern banking (Ponzi schemes, pyramid scams) and introducing them to the Nigerian president that has 100 million dollars for me from my inheritance to the throne of Zamunda which my uncle (Eddie Murphy presumably) left to me.

Thus far: Budapest, Brno, Krakow (booked). Riga, Tallinn, Prague, Munich, Stockholm, Kiev, London (still to be booked).

This will not be an idiot traveling abroad… it will be pure bliss. And dirty deeds, done dirt cheap (’cause they’re poor).

Join, won’t you?

[* – its from National Lampoon’s European Vacation, that’s why it sounds familiar. You’re welcome.]

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