european all over the Baltics (r.kelly style)

See, double dong + balls. {refer back to... yep, definitely the asshole}

Madams and monsieurs… I’ve added Riga, Latvia to my destinations. Only because I wanted to see just what exactly John Bolaris fell for. Not that I plan to get roofie powered… but I do plan on getting taken advantage of by “twentysomething Latvians”.  I have three nights, that’s running through 6.6666- a night. I’ll have to practice tantra, cock-pushups and Kegels in order to deliver this. But I can do anything I put my mind to.

Latvia is a part of Europe that, if I may be anatomically correct, is the taint of Scandinavia’s double dong. And screw you, Diphallia is totally a real thing… just because you don’t have two penises, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t laud those that do. It’s where double dicking came from… get up on your penis lingo — c’mon!

I would have gone from Kiev to Odessa since apparently, according to the Ukrainian guy at Mike Piazza Honda, is “vaginalicious”… but based on the anatomical picture of Europe being a dude… Odessa would be the ceremonial asshole. It’s probably shitty there anyway. Plus, its on the Black Sea, and the whole reason to go to Eastern Europe was to not see any of those people. They scare me. So ve go North instead.

Hope not.

Somehow, vaginalicious man sold us an Accord. Which is probably normal since we had one based on his assessment of Ukrainian women. If Kiev is thine shit, I’ll return to Ukraine… and do the Odessa. But for now, its Riga and beyond.

Besides, I’ve gotta get ready for the “Tallinnt” in Estonia immediately after this anyway. And, according to the only Estoner(?) I know, Tallinn is just dripping with hot estrogen. I’m excited.

Scandinavian Diphallians Unite! Cos I’m coming your way next. Right after Finland (playing the role of the testiclays) teabags me on the road through Estonia and the moist chambers of the Baltic Sea. Man. This is going to be sweaty. Alex Searle, Baltic Semen.

But first, Latvian blondage: — i’ll take my chances against the locals (0:38) — Bunch of dumb riga’s.

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